[15.07, 03:18 am]

D.: cel mai mult ma sperie faptul ca nu stiu cum o sa fie…ce o sa zica, ce o sa faca, nu stiu. Si poate uneori feelings are not enough, that’s what i’m scared of..

Fefe: feelings are not enough? Then, what is enough?

D.: i..don’t know, the meaning of what i said was that if he will say otherwise, i wouldn’t know if my feelings will be enough to make him change his decision.

[17.07, 10:53 pm]

“vinul e mai bun cu cat e mai vechi”..cica se aplica si chestiilor din viata…Stii, bine ar fi sa fie asa.sometimes it gets better while time goes by, dar ce bine ar fi daca si-n real life ar fi ca-n filme..si sa cunosti sfarsitul anumitor lucruri…dar,cu toate astea, mai sunt inca filme care ma surprind.

[18.07, 01:03 am]

iar e una din serile alea…cand e greu.si parca nu mai am de ce sa ma agat ca sa nu o iau in jos.de tot.

ce-as vrea sa stiu acum ca daca i-as cere si daca s-ar putea,sa ma ia in brate. Atunci as stii ca e totul bine,la el in brate mi-ar fi cel mai bine, un fel de “my safe place”.. si mi-ar fi bine si daca as stii ca ar putea sa fie langa mine chiar si fara partea cu ‘fizic’…

[02:05 am]

si daca ar fi sa fie rau, as vrea chiar sa fiu eu cea care ignora tot ce-i rau, sa pot sa ii spun ca e bine, ca totul o sa fie bine si sa-l mangai frumos pe cap…si daca nici atunci nu o sa fie complet bine, sa-i spun ‘te iubesc’ si sa-i zambesc frumos, dar in acelasi timp poate putin trist si intelegator,iar atunci,s-ar resemna si mi-ar spune ’si eu te iubesc’ si inca ceva dragut..si m-ar pupa. …si si-ar da seama ca poate am dreptate .. pana la urma.

[04:07 am]

thinkin’ the pressure is too big.i don’t know if i will make it this year.I mean,it’s where i want to go, it’s the career i want to follow, but i seriously think i won’t make it.this year at least…

And all should be so simple now..we don’t have each other to blame, we can’t blame the unsuccess because of the time (wasted,from one or another point of view) we spent with one another..so it all sums up to whether we make it or not, doesn’t it..?

——

1st post of the series: here -  past tense [ I ].

We were fucked up for so long… we didn’t hear and didn’t see… I’m no one to say what would be better, but there are times when i know what’s best for me; and those times never come. and all i can do is wait..for that ’something’ or for something, sometimes i mean anything, that comes along.. Different or not, we’re the same. and i loved you for who you were, for (almost) every thing that you’ve become. I never questioned your love, i believed in you.

It’s been so long… i still haven’t got the time to put every single detail in order, or every little piece back to its place. although, some tiny pieces might have been lost along the way… I felt that everything was running away from me, with a speed i couldn’t catch up on; i felt betrayed; erased from anything that was left for “us”. I felt used.i felt stupid.

The feeling that someone was juggling with my feelings, that you had control over me was terrible.but i couldn’t stand the fact that you were GONE. and gone for good. I wanted to feel that you were still there, with me…that’s why i didn’t mind back then knowing you had everything – even me. i was hanging to the littlest of little and still didn’t break the lock. Cried, cried and cried; done crazy stuff just to keep my mind busy; did things until exhaustion just to have a powerful sleep, to don’t have to think before getting in bed, to not having thoughts about you.or us.or me without you. And it worked.for a while. until i was too tired. then, i had to face everything in the morning, in the first minute i woke up. None of my days was starting great, every single one was not getting even closer to getting healed.

Nothing was going to take me out of my cage. Knowing that i would become like a frozen stone terrified me, but that big loss and the feeling of emptiness that was running through my veins was too powerful for me to handle back then.

But i still got to suffer some consequences. i still can’t handle (with) big emotions, nor good, nor bad. but there’s a little price to pay for anything.

[ sweet dreams? yeah, they were.. but not enough. ]

As fi vrut sa fiu si eu acolo cand s-a intamplat… [deci se poate!] –>

[ from here ]

si azi, o fetita de vreo 8 ani fredona “Billie Jean” in avion…

but the ones that heartbreak, they’re normal?

[picture from here ]

Nu pot exprima in cuvinte cat de mult as vrea sa fiu si eu acum la rond, cu el, sa stau cu el, sa-l tin in brate, sa ma pupe, sa ma stranga tare de tot la el in brate – acolo unde mi-e atat de bine si sa-i spun ca il iubesc… Si ma doare atat de rau ca nu pot nici macar un amarat de mesaj sa-i dau ca sa-i spun toate astea..

As avea atat de multe sa-i povestesc, atatea lucruri sa-i spun..dar degeaba. Acum parca totul e in zadar. Ce conteaza ca am atatea sa ii spun daca nu o pot face? parca as fi incuiata undeva, cu toate privilegiile loate. Si cu toate astea, ma gandesc in continuare la vorbele pe care i le-as spune daca ar fi acum, in fata mea. imi creez in continuare conversatii imaginare si uneori sunt atat de vii, cu niste culori asa frumoase si cu niste miscari atat de naturale, incat parca as crede ca sunt reale. Pacat ca atingerile nu sunt. Ce n-as da sa`i mai simt mana pe obrazul meu, pe spate sau pur si simplu sa-i simt atingerea si gestul perfect si natural de a ma lua de mana. Cat n-as da ca buzele sa ni se mai uneasca inca o data, sa creeze acea armonie suberba, de parca ar fi facute una pentru cealalta.

si stau si ma intreb… Oare el se gandeste la asta? Se gandeste oare la mine? La noi?   sunt intrebari la care nu stiu daca voi primi vreodata raspunsul, tocmai pentru ca nici nu mi-l pot imagina. nu-l pot gandi, deci implicit, in mintea mea nu exista. cat de abstract poate fi acest gand – daca raspunsul nu exista, atunci nici intrebarea nu poate fi pusa? Sau poate ca raspunsul nu xista in mintea mea doar pentru ca vag, constientizez, ca unul din cele doua (hai, trei) raspunsuri poate sa ma doara; si atunci, nu as mai vrea sa fi existat intrebarea. Dar ignoranta unui lucru nu-l va face sa dispara.. din pacate, uneori.

Vreau, de asemenea, sa-i spun tot ce am facut, sa comentam absolut orice, pana si cel mai marunt lucru. Sa-i povestesc pe unde am fost, pe cine am intalnit, ce am mai aflat, cat de multe am invatat. dar mai ales cate mi s-au intamplat… Vreau sa stie fiecare ce a avut de spus, cine cum si-a expus punctul de vedere, care mi`au fost ’stalpii de sprijin’, caci aceia vor fi cei care imi vor fi alaturi la greu, cei care poate NE vor fi alaturi daca VOM avea vreodata nevoie. “Dupa razboi multi viteji se arata” – cunosti vorba asta, nu? eh..acum n-a fost cazul. S-au aratat cei care au fost chemati si cei de care chiar a fost nevoie pentru a duce razboiul unei singure armate pana la capat. but actually, it was worth it…

A disparut pana si din primii trei din agenda, aceia, cel mai des apelati. Ce greu mi-a fost in primele zile sa-l vad in continuare acolo, primul; si cat de greu mi-a fost dupa, sa vad cum, incet incet, decade pe locul doi, pe locul trei si dupa aceea ca, intr-un final, dispare de tot… Pana si istoria, memoria apelurilor este si a fost prea incarcata pentru toate astea. Nici macar ea n-a putut sa faca fata.si nici macar n-are sentimente, este practic un robot fara constiinta.

Mai aud din cand in cand acel fluierat, urmat de “Ed, Edd & Eddy” si imediat dupa, un ac [scrisesem "an" fara sa vreau prima data, dar acum, dupa ce am corectat, am realizat ca aveam oarecum dreptate si asa] impins incet, dar adanc in suflet. Stiu ca e degeaba.. si obisnuinta. Cu toate ca doare, as fi vrut sa mi se para ca o aud mai des. Dezamagirea ar fi fost si mai mare daca n-as fi stiut ca mi se pare si daca eu chiar as fi crezut ca suna. Si ma intreb cand o sa mai aud oare aceasta sonerie, ca de cea de la mesaje m-am saturat deja…

Stii..Ti-am citit mesajele care erau salvate in telefonul pe care mi l-ai dat inapoi.. … Nu stiu sa-ti spun daca m-am bucurat sau nu daca ultimul a fost de la mine, dar m-a durut teribil faptul ca dupa ce m-ai intrebat daca ajung cand trebuie si ti-am raspuns ca o sa ajung chiar mai devreme, ai scos cartela si l-ai bagat in punga. Adica…a fost de parca ar fi fost planificat totul cu mult inainte. si m-a durut.

Toata lumea stia de noi, nimeni nici nu s-a putut gandi la posibilitatea ca s-ar putea intampla ce s-a intamplat… Toti ne considera ca un intreg, daca e “Dya“, atunci e si “Razvan“, daca e “Razvan“, atunci sigur e si “Dya“. Toti, absolut toti, erau asa de incantati si noi si ne admirau atat de mult.. ne priveau cu asa de mult drag, cu bucurie in ochi, de genul acela, care e pentru altii, nu pentru sine. and… Sort of, after all, nu degeaba am spus noi atunci ca suntem cel mai frumos cuplu din toate locurile pe unde mergem. Si cati n-au fost de acord cu noi!

Iar in loc sa se piarda sentimentele pe parcusul trecerii timpului, au devenit mai puternice. Toata situatia asta le-a facut mai puternice. Si ce-i mai rau este ca doare.si ca n-am nicio confirmare pentru absolut nimic.

Daca o singura zi am simtit ca a trecut de parca ar fi fost cinci, nici nu vreau sa ma gandesc cum poate o sa fie mai incolo..

Mi-am propus sa nu`mi schimb cartelele. Asta in special din cauza ca as fi nevoita sa vad de fiecare data, chiar daca nu m-as uita, de mesajul de intampinare pe care l-am pus doar de dragul tau, pentru ca tu mi-ai spus atunci sa scriu ceva acolo care sa ma faca sa ma gandesc la tine. chiar daca tu ai spus-o in gluma, si stiam asta, am facut-o pentru ca am vrut si pentru ca orice lucru, orice chestie, oricat de nesemnificativa ar fi, care ar putea sa ma duca cu gandul la tine, mi-ar aduce un zambet pe buze – acum, unul amar. Deci, implicit, oricare ar fi motivul pentru care le-as schimba, mi`as aduce aminte oricum de tine, chiar daca l-as vedea, chiar daca nu. Iar eu nu dispun de foarta necesara sa-l schimb..poate pentru ca nu as avea ce altceva sa scriu sau poate ca asta e felul in care subconstientul meu nu vrea sa te elimine din mintea mea.sau poate macar vrea sa pastreze acolo orice care m-ar  putea duce cu gandul la tine. La fel si cu poza de pe mess cu balonul… nu as putea s-o schimb pentru ca nu as avea ce sa pun, orice mi-ar aduce prea tare aminte de tine, chiar daca momentul in care a fost facuta poza tu nu ai fost prezent, cel putin fizic. Am vrut sa o schimb si m-am uitat la pozele din arhiva avatarului; dupa primele trei pe care le-am vazut am izbucnit in plans. Dar oricum.. numarul nou nu mi-l stii…

Si cand ma uit la cat de greu poate sa treaca timpul… Ma uit la ceas si vad cat de greu trece un minut. parca se blocheaza secundarul (da, asa e cand nu ai ce face…). La fel de greu trece si atunci cand asteptam ceva si nu se mai intampla odata.cand ne blocam pe ceva si nu putem sa ne mai gandim… Cand simtim cum ne curge sangele prin vene, dar totul trece pe langa noi cu viteza luminii si parca doar stam pe loc. Stagnam. Si trece viata pe langa noi, fiecare isi vede de ale lui si noi suntem prea ocupati sa observam ca am ramas pe loc. Incepem sa ne ocupam timpul ramas cu lucruri marunte si parca nici atunci nu reusim sa-l facem sa treaca mai repede…abia la final de tot, cand vine timpul de a pune totul in ordine si de a raspunde la “ce ai facut in tot timpul asta?” ne dam seama cat de repede a trecut, cat de multe sau putine am reusit sa facem si chiar si atunci, cand o luam pe bucatele, iar realizam cat de greu ne-a fost. Dar cat de repede si aproape insesizabil trece timpul in general.

[ da .. poate vreau multe. Dar le vreau tocmai pentru ca nu le primesc. ]

Directions:
Mark which things you have done, then calculate your score by counting the number of questions you marked. This test is out of 100 questions which means that the number you get as your score is also your percentage. Tag 10 of your friends , and re-post as “I do stupid things __% of the time.”

1. [x] Forgot to put the lid on the blender, turned it on, and had everything fly out
2. [ ] Gotten your head stuck between the stair rails
3. [x] Broken a chair by leaning back in it
4. [x] Had gum fall out of your mouth while you were talking
5. [x] Choked on your own spit while you were talking
6. [x] Had people tell you that you are blond when you’re not, or had people tell you that your blond highlights are going to your head
7. [x] Been caught staring at your crush by your crush
8. [x] Have looked for something for at least 5 min then realized it was in your hand
9. [x] Tried to push/open a door that said pull
10. [x] Tried to pull/open a door that said push

Running total: 9

11. [ ] Have actually believed someone when they said that they knew how to make a love-potion
12. [x] Have hit yourself in the process of trying to hit something else
13. [x] Have tripped and fallen UP the stairs
14. [ ] Have actually exploded marshmallows in the microwave [no,exploded the microwave.]
15. [ ] Have gotten gum stuck in your hair
16. [x] Had gum fall out of your mouth while trying to blow a bubble
17. [x] Have had the juice from a mini tomato squirt out and hit somebody else when you bit into it
18. [ ] Have had your drink come out your nose because you were laughing so hard
19. [x] Have called one of your good friends by the wrong name
20. [ ] Have skinned your toe because you were playing soccer or kickball with flip flops on or you were barefoot

Running total: 14

21. [x] Have put a sticker on your forehead, forgot it was there, and went out in public with it on
22. [ ] Have fallen out of a moving vehicle
23. [x] Have run into a closed door
25. [x] Searched for your cell phone while you were talking on it
26. [x] It has taken you longer than 5 min to get a joke
27. [x] Have gotten your hair stuck in a blow dryer
28. [ ] Have gotten your hair stuck in a fan
29. [x] Tripped on a crack in the sidewalk
30. [x] Said o’clock after saying how many min after the hour, example: 5:30 o’clock, or 6:15 o’clock

Running total: 21

31. [x] After someone told you that there was gum on the ground, you stepped in it
32. [x] Put on a white shirt even though you already knew it was raining outside
33. [x] Have ever walked up to a stranger because you thought they were someone else
34. [x] Ever been kicked out of a grocery store/off their property
35. [x] Touched the stove, the curling iron, a hot pan, etc when its on, even though you knew it was hot
36. [x] Taken off your clothes to change into something else then accidentally put the old clothes back on.
37. [x] Wondered why something wasn’t working then realized it wasn’t plugged in
38. [x] Put the cereal in the fridge, or put the milk in the cupboard
39. [x] Walked into a pole
40. [x] Wore two different earrings or shoes by accident/stolen someones shoes by accident

Running total: 31

41. [x] took a picture of someone’s eye with the flash on
43. [x] Gotten a ring stuck on your finger because you put it on even though you knew it was too small
44. [x] Walked out of the bathroom (stall) with toilet paper stuck to your shoe without realizing it
45. [x] Went to go do something/go get something, then when you got there, you forgot what it was that you were going to do
46. [x] Picked up someone else’s drink and drank out of it by accident when your drink was right next to it
47. [x] Fallen out of your chair while trying to pick something up
48. [x] Have poked yourself in the eye
49. [x] Have gotten in the shower with your socks still on
50. [ ] Melted your hairbrush while blow drying your hair

Running total: 39

51. [x] Have done enough stupid things to make a test
52. [x] Have accidentally stabbed yourself with a pencil
53. [x] Have sung the wrong verse to a song without realizing it
54. [x] Have given an odd answer to a question because you didn’t hear the question in the first place and didn’t feel like asking what it was
55. [x] Told someone you were the wrong age because you seriously forgot how old you were
56. [x] Looked into an overhead purposefully while it was on
57. [x] Got up early and got ready for school/work, then realized that you didn’t have school/work that day
58. [x] Forgot your own phone number  [i still don't know it]
59. [x] Have tripped on a cord after someone told you to watch out for it
60. [x] Have ever laughed at a joke that no one else thought was funny

Running total: 49

61. [ ] Done the Macarena to the electric slide or vice versa
62. [ ] Said funner then had someone make fun of you for it
63. [x] Have repeated yourself at least twice in the same sentence
64. [x] Brought up an inside joke with the wrong person
65. [x] Didn’t do the backside of an assignment because you thought that there wasn’t one because you had already looked and forgot that there was another side
66. [x] Did more work than you had to on an assignment because you didn’t read the directions
67. [x] Corrected someone’s grammar/pronunciation then figured out that you were the one that was wrong
68. [x] Put something in a special place so that you would remember where it was, then forgot where you put it
69. [x] Put ice in your drink after the glass was full of liquid and had it splash out
70. [x] Told a lie then forgot what it was that you had said and got caught

Running total: 57

71. [x] When wearing goggles, you pulled them away from your face and let go so that they would come back and snap you in the face
72. [x] Forgot to make sure that the lamp was off before you replaced the light bulb
73. [x] Ran into a door jam
74. [ ] Told someone that you hardly ever do stupid things, then immediately did/said something stupid
75. [x] Told someone to watch out for something, then you were the one that ran into it
76. [ ] Have purposely licked playground sand
77. [x] Have purposely and repeatedly flicked yourself with a rubber band
78. [x] Gotten so hyper that someone actually thought you were drunk when you weren’t
79. [x] Have been so hyper you actually scared people
80. [x] Put duct tape on your body then pulled it off to see if it would hurt

Running total: 65

81. [x] Put tape on someone else’s hair then pulled it off
82. [x] Put a clothes pin/hair clip on your lip, figured out that it hurt, then did it again
83. [x] Sat and wondered why men’s dress shirts have a loop on the back
84. [x] Made up a code name for someone so that you could talk about them to someone else and no one else would know who you were talking about
85. [x] Have gotten a hairbrush stuck in your hair.
86. [x] Used the straw to blow the straw wrapper at someone.
87. [ ] Shaved your tongue because you thought your taste buds looked funny
88. [x] When at a restaurant, you used your spoon to fling stuff at people
89. [x] Have flung forks at people in a restaurant
89. [x] Tripped and made the waiter drop the food.

Running total: 74

91. [x] As you are writing, you move/moved your head back and forth with your pen/pencil
92. [x] Have drawn finger puppets on your fingers then named them
93. [x] Have wrapped someone in a roll of toilet paper
94. [x] Have used somebody else’s toothbrush without even realizing it wasn’t yours
95. [x] Have started telling a story and forget what you were talking about or what happened in the story
96. [x] Read a whole book but during the whole book you weren’t even paying attention
97. [x] You have spelled your own name wrong before
98. [x] When lying in bed you look for pictures in the texture of the ceiling
99. [ ] Have used your calculator as a form of communication in a class
100.[x] Have popped a balloon in your mouth

GRAND TOTAL: 83

Feature – (a part of) the best words that describe my last 2 weeks. :

http://lil8.deviantart.com/art/Lucruri-marunte-91896216

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you’re very difficult to predict. One moment you’re in your own little happy universe… And the next, you’re on a bad trip to your own personal hell! At your best: You understand the world completely, and every ordinary experience is sublime. What people like about being around you: You say and do the craziest things. You’re very entertaining. What people dislike about being around you: You’re unpredictable. Your mood swings are quite intense. How addicted people get to you: They pretty much don’t get addicted to you.

test at: here

and Others: here

De ce tot timpul scriem cand ni se intampla ceva rau, cand suntem tristi sau cand e ceva care ne deranjeaza rau de tot? despre ziua mea de azi nu vreau sa vorbesc…

Am simtit cum pot fi rupta in mii de bucatele, sa simt cum ma faram, fara ca macar sa fiu (fizic) atinsa. In zilele care au trecut, am simtit si trait intens 3 pasaje din aceeasi carte – atractia magnetica si neconditionata, acea armonie perfecta care vine de la sine,simbioza cea mai pura  si, in final, sentimentul de a fi rupt de tot ce se intampla in preajma ta,fara sa-ti pese de nimeni si de nimic din jur,doar pentru ca simti ca te destrami si dezintegrezi pe interior. Ultima e cea mai groaznica, pentru ca simti cum pur si simplu te imprastii cu totul, simti cum se rupe totul din tine si tu nu poti face nimic.si nimeni nu poate face nimic pentru ca nimeni nu vede ceea ce simti tu ca se intampla.Impactul este doar asupra ta si nu asupra celorlalti, ei fiind practic orbi asupra acestui proces. cel mai greu este sa te aduni la loc si sa incerci sa iti continui drumul, acel drum la care ai pornit de la inceput, pentru ca merita. Sunt sigura ca orice efort este rasplatit, chiar daca poate dureaza mai mult pana va veni si aceasta. Dar se va intampla cu siguranta. Niciun drum nu-l parcurgi degeaba.toate au un sens si un capat.sau poate capatul va fi finalul vietii, you can never know for sure.you can just believe in it.   Iar a patra intamplare – pare a fi rupta si ea dintr-o carte, dar nu este.. o coincidenta izbitoare, incat toti sa ramana masca, cu ochii mari si gura-casca.cel mai frumos au fost replicile pentru ‘u’re a match,u’re destined for one another’ -predestinati unul altuia…ce frumos suna.sau O “coincidenta fericita”, cum a spus altcineva.

Oricum, unele quotes vin exact atunci cand ai nevoie de ele:

#1: I can’t admire in any way a person that is made of stone 100%. Why? Because I always come across this thought: Such a person must be the kind of person that is emotionally incapable.

#2: there are so many things that we doubt, so many things we don’t understand, so many questions without answers… and, of course, from all the moments in the world, we only stumble across such things and questions and problems when we most need answers and salvation.*sighs*

#3: Do you know those moments when your chest hurts really badly… atunci cand te doare pieptul sau te dor plamanii; ai momentul de inspiratie in care simti o durere sfasietoare in capul pieptului si momentul de expiratie care e un moment de teama pentru ca astepti un nou junghi? asa e viata, in general – un flux continuu de durere si lipsa a durerii. Si 80% din timp, in loc sa savuram lipsa durerii si sa trecem rapid peste ea, asimilam toata durerea si pierdem momentul de lipsa a durerii prin frica produsa de expectanta. and that… is life. the pain only stops for good when you stop breathing.

[ ne iubim, nu? Si atunci de ce ne facem rau? ]

I simply adore this guys…  But  i  <3  Dean .

and see more from: here