past tense [ I ].

We were fucked up for so long… we didn’t hear and didn’t see… I’m no one to say what would be better, but there are times when i know what’s best for me; and those times never come. and all i can do is wait..for that ‘something’ or for something, sometimes i mean anything, that comes along.. Different or not, we’re the same. and i loved you for who you were, for (almost) every thing that you’ve become. I never questioned your love, i believed in you.

It’s been so long… i still haven’t got the time to put every single detail in order, or every little piece back to its place. although, some tiny pieces might have been lost along the way… I felt that everything was running away from me, with a speed i couldn’t catch up on; i felt betrayed; erased from anything that was left for „us”. I felt used.i felt stupid.

The feeling that someone was juggling with my feelings, that you had control over me was terrible.but i couldn’t stand the fact that you were GONE. and gone for good. I wanted to feel that you were still there, with me…that’s why i didn’t mind back then knowing you had everything – even me. i was hanging to the littlest of little and still didn’t break the lock. Cried, cried and cried; done crazy stuff just to keep my mind busy; did things until exhaustion just to have a powerful sleep, to don’t have to think before getting in bed, to not having thoughts about you.or us.or me without you. And it worked.for a while. until i was too tired. then, i had to face everything in the morning, in the first minute i woke up. None of my days was starting great, every single one was not getting even closer to getting healed.

Nothing was going to take me out of my cage. Knowing that i would become like a frozen stone terrified me, but that big loss and the feeling of emptiness that was running through my veins was too powerful for me to handle back then.

But i still got to suffer some consequences. i still can’t handle (with) big emotions, nor good, nor bad. but there’s a little price to pay for anything.

[ sweet dreams? yeah, they were.. but not enough. ]


second part, ” past tense [ II ] ”  –  HERE


~ de iLove pe 5 octombrie, 2009.

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